You never see it comin' til it's gone
It all happens for a reason
Even when it's wrong...
This time of year, with winter fast approaching, the light around Scotchlandia begins to get pretty flat... accentuating the dull pool table-like topography of the midwest terrain while conjuring up a forboding "Fargo Meets 'In Cold Blood' tableau."
Nothing screams "Wilkommen! Bienvenu! Come on in!" like a wood chipper in the front yard.
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| Howdy, neighbor.. |
Not that we get many visitors any more (in hindsight, wearing the Elephant Man costume for the little Halloween trick or treaters lo those many years ago, was something of a tactical error).
But I digress.
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| "Brother, take me - just don't hurt the dog..." |
Deeply in search of something - anything! - to take my mind off the Catastrophe That Is Notre Dame football, I retreat these days more frequently to the steamer for therapeutic introspection and the occasional hallucination... and realized that I've spent much of my years walking through Life not unlike one strolls through a home. To wit:
* The 60's: frequently spent in The Closet. No, not a euphenism for some sexual identity confusion, this is literal - the closet being where my brothers kept me (or I was hiding) in advance of a starring, if reluctant, role in their favorite game, "Rodeo Round Up."
I was 'the frisky calf,' a role requiring, presumably, the prey to be reasonably high energy. Yee haw.
So in that respect I was treated, essentially, like veal.
* The 70's: The Basement - between high school parties (whatever possessed my parents to finish the basement with a pool table) and a senior college year spent in the 801 St. Louis and Senior Bar cellar. What happened down there, (mostly) stayed down there. Thank God.
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| Note to self: if you're going to deface someone's walls, don't sign your name. |
* The 80's: The Kitchen - where all Lincoln Park parties inevitably gravitated.
At least until the party goers found the indelible markers for wall art.
Moral: kitchen utensils aren't the only sharp instruments one needs to remove when inviting certain people to one's home.
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| "Not to worry. Everything's under control..." |
* The 90's: The Family Room - toddlers, watching football, Disney movies and daddy drinks.
And getting credit for giving your wife some 'me' time.
Call it the halcyon years.
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| Lisa, we just stopped off at an enoteca, or two, on the way home... |
* The 00's: Spent primarily in Milan and London, the key defining space?
Definitely The Dining Room.
Jerrence discovers wine and everything - and everyone - that one could possibly pair with it.
Usually more wine.
* The 10's: Let's call this The Back Yard years - between friend's patios, condo terraces and the A Lot / Stayer space... ah sanctuary! But is it Eden or Asylum?
With the state of ND's football program, does it even matter?
Word of The Week
Used in a sentence: With the football season in a death spiral, on and off the field, Young Jerrence looked at Brian Kelly, desperately trying to justify his existence each week, and wondered what exactly was he - , skillful mountebank or The World's Unluckiest Coach?
Game Day Observations
Stick to the plan, Jerrence. Don't watch the game until it's successful conclusion.
But I didn't. Or couldn't. I just had to turn on the game - we were up 17-0, after all, this was gonna be fun, for once - but no...
What to say?
Clean house.
Once you are burned, you are twice shy
That's a lesson I'm still trying to learn.
And like a fool I stand and wonder
Chance slips by and the words just don't get out.
No, not again...
And like a fool I stand and wonder
Chance slips by and the words just don't get out.
No, not again...
"To Alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of Life's problems..."
Homer Simpson
Just not, apparently, Notre Dame football's. Although Stayer Lot certainly gave it its best shot.
But now I know that there's a time and there's a place where I can choose
To walk the fine line between self-control and self-abuse...
Cocktail of the Week
Nothing screams autumn like cider! Hot or cold.
And show tunes! To ward off the inevitable depression - this year perhaps more (or earlier) than most.
In Scotchlandia, we call that adaptation.
Cocktails. Films. Song. Steamers. Rinse and repeat.
Warm up your jazz hands, 'cause Romeo and Juliet are heading to the big city. Sure, it's hard not to giggle at the sight of teen gangs piroueting toward each other in the mean streets - even if most of the teens were pushing 30 and half the mean streets were shot on Hollywood back lots - but West Side Story's soaring score remains certifiably goose-bump inducing.
Orbiting around the star-crossed romance of teenagers Tony and Maria, the film's themes of interracial romance and youth violence still echo note-for-note true today. Our unlikely blend of New York-state apples and Puerto Rican rum is a fortified face-off that'll have you setting down switchblades and picking up glasses.
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| Innovate this, Wharton. |
And show tunes! To ward off the inevitable depression - this year perhaps more (or earlier) than most.
In Scotchlandia, we call that adaptation.
Cocktails. Films. Song. Steamers. Rinse and repeat.
West Cider Story
West Side Story (1961)
Directed by Jerome Robbins & Robert Wise
Warm up your jazz hands, 'cause Romeo and Juliet are heading to the big city. Sure, it's hard not to giggle at the sight of teen gangs piroueting toward each other in the mean streets - even if most of the teens were pushing 30 and half the mean streets were shot on Hollywood back lots - but West Side Story's soaring score remains certifiably goose-bump inducing. Orbiting around the star-crossed romance of teenagers Tony and Maria, the film's themes of interracial romance and youth violence still echo note-for-note true today. Our unlikely blend of New York-state apples and Puerto Rican rum is a fortified face-off that'll have you setting down switchblades and picking up glasses.
- 2 oz. Caribbean rum (e.g., Bacardi 8)
- 1 oz. pineapple juice
- 1/2 oz. falernum
- 4 mint sprigs
- 3 oz. sparkling apple cider
Combine the rum, pineapple juice, falernum and mint with ice in a shaker. Shake well, strain over fresh ice into a highball glass, top with sparkling cider. Go sing a love song on the fire escape.
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| The 80's: Even the shoes weren't safe. |
September
3 @Texas L (0-1)
10 Nevada W (1-1)
17 Michigan State L (1-2)
26 Duke L (1-3)
October
1 @Syracuse W (2-3)
8 @NC State L (2-4)
15 Stanford L (2-5)
29 Miami W (3-5)
November
5 @Navy L (3-6)
12 Army W (4-6)
19 Va. Tech L (4-7)
26 @USC
10 Nevada W (1-1)
17 Michigan State L (1-2)
26 Duke L (1-3)
October
1 @Syracuse W (2-3)
8 @NC State L (2-4)
15 Stanford L (2-5)
November
5 @Navy L (3-6)
12 Army W (4-6)
19 Va. Tech L (4-7)
26 @USC
Savvy Jack Wouldn't Actually Do It, Would He?
Okay, this might be getting real. So it's poll time! Cast your vote and let's see where the group stands:
The Wager
Thanks, everyone, who's been sending me their ante - still want to see what everyone wants to do with the funds, in a more democratic fashion - so expect a similar poll next week.
If your name isn't highlighted below, your $25 is still desired:
Young Jerrence
Former Greenskeeper
c/o Scotchlandia
663 Old Suman Rd.
Valparaiso, IN 46383
In any event, let me know any suggestions on where to direct the money.
Wins
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Which Nic Flick R U?
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Why ND Relevant
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Wager
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12
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Raising Arizona
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Genius from start to finish. And be honest – you never thought it’d be as terrific as it ended up being.
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11
|  Adaptation |
Über clever direction meets surprising performances even if one is a bit confused by the overall journey.
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10
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Leaving Las Vegas
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By all objective measures a high quality performance. So why does one now feel so despondent?
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9
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At times both awful and awesome, but with enough enjoyable lines (and stuff getting blown up) to distract one from the disappointment of what could’ve been something really special.
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8
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Nowhere near great. But one finds oneself looking back on it more fondly than is justified.
And if no one’s around... satisfying enough that one’ll watch it when it comes on late at night. | |
7
|  The Wicker Man |
You've seen this movie before. Literally. And you weren't that impressed the first time.
You're cognizant that you've entered The Disaster Zone - where career legacies are re-written. And never for the good.
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6
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Ghost Rider
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Oh dear Lord. You feel physically ill just watching this – and knowing it’s not an aberrant 'one off' performance.
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5
and under
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We’ve fallen and we're not getting back up.
How incredibly sad.
What's on The History Channel? |
Schadenfreude of the Montb
"Celebrating The Misfortune of Other Teams Since 1956"
After last week's self-immolation by the alleged top teams, this week represented a mild recalibration.
Call it further regression to the mean. With the exception of Alabama. They're still the curve breakers. Just like the one ND woman you had in your courses where the entire class topped out at 82 and she scored 97 - and frustrated about missing that one.
Louisville. Smoked by Houston (the country's most bi-polar team)... goodbye BCS, goodbye (probably) Heisman.
That was efficient.
LSU. By losing to Florida, what you lost in any chance to play for any meaningful bowl game, you've apparently made up in clarity of coaching decision.
Tom Herman, your gumbo is ready.
West Virgnia. You get a prime time Saturday night to show the nation your stuff and... get pounded by Oklahoma. Back to the coal mines...
Utah. No one pays attention to you, Utes, except Matt Lindon. And me. We both knew you were 12th ranked, the operative word being were.
Terry's Trolls
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Friedrich Schiller
Poet, Philosopher & Playwright
It's pronounced Froooedrich.
Whatever. It's holiday stupidity time when one treats themselves to a bit of bad behavior. As if so many of these cretins have been barely holding it on the road and then just said, "screw it" and give up.
1. Louisville. At ND, a coach crushes the Academic Progress Rate threshold and it's called doing your job. At Louisville, you achieve the minimum and you give your coach a $500,000 bonus.
Until he got "out-for-the-year" injured, apparently started kicking back and had one of his particularly stupid bro's posting some unfortunate lifestyle pics. Oops.
Then again, this is the same school that gave us Laremy "Gas Mask" Tunsell last Spring so perhaps the NFL has already factored that into Chad's evaluation.
3. Kate Upton. Love you, have long loved your impressive... wit. And respect that stand-by-your-man 'tude. Even love the basis for your diss (turns out that at least one of the Cy Young voters didn't even wait for the season (and a couple meaningful starts by each finalist) to be completed before filling out their ballot.
But you might also want to get your facts a tiny bit tighter: the Verlander v. Porcello comps simply aren't that different to prompt so much outrage.
But do keep those randy tweets coming. Woof!
But for all the heat you're currently going through, your 'whistle-past-the-graveyard, not my fault' demeanor is just not a good look.
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| Um, didn't you play on those 'Bama championships? And yet... |
The fact that ND will (certainly should) win their appeal is beside the point, that PR ship has sailed.
And when the F*** are you gonna get around to doing anything about UNC's systemic academic fraud? (And they better be penalized into the next millennium...)
6. Paul Finebaum. I think there have been many hard-to-take-but-rationally-based editorials this week, about ND Football's fall from grace, athletically and academically. Yours was not one of them.
As an SEC shill, stay in your swim lane, Paul, where facts aren't a crucial consideration.
Moved up one day!
